Feeling hopeless.

Today one of my coworkers asked me if I'm pregnant. That's the ultimate point where you just feel like giving up and eating everything in the kitchen. Seriously, why would anyone ask that as if I'm not aware of what I look like? Do you really think I know that when I look down I see belly? But thanks for making sure I was aware... bitch.

A successful day... so far.

Wedding weightloss productivity update: I'm feeling good today. 10 minutes of upper body plus 30 of pilates has me off my butt and burning a few calories. Cheerios for breakfast and a banana around noon; lunch in a few minutes= leftover spaghetti from last night's dinner. I know spaghetti probably isn't the best possible lunch, but ultimately I'm going for a do-able transition. I can realistically cut out fast food, fried food, and most junk food, but I can't give up real dinner foods. The spaghetti stays.

I am concerned for tonight- My best friend/maid of honor is coming over tonight for dinner, so I'm cooking. The big issues here are: a) severely limited budget=limited menu; b) she's itty-bitty, so she can eat freely; c) I don't currently have a working oven, so anything I cook has to be done on stove top...

I have found a great tool for holding myself accountable for my food actions = caloriecount.about.com It has a great toolbar you can download that gives you easy access to entering your food and activity. My Eat Meter, a bar that fills up as I enter my eaten foods, shows how many of my allotted calories I've already used up for the day. It gives me a grade based on my activity and food intake [I'm currently at an A- today], which is pretty accurate seeing as it has EVERYTHING listed! Literally everything- Search gummy bears, and you'll have at least ten options of which brand you're eating. My Wal-Mart brand Cheerios are even listed. It doesn't take forever to enter my information, which makes me actually try to do it [I'm really into time efficiency, if you can't tell].

So I'm on the right track for my wedding body. The new house is nearly finished- Just a few more tiny things to finish. Now I just have to figure out what exactly I'm going to cook tonight and pray I don't screw up a great day.

Back off track

So after a really successful day of getting my act together, I jumped right back off the track. Yesterday in lieu of working out, I had a lunch of almost 50 fat grams and watched a marathon of Jersey Shore reruns instead of working out. Then when my fiance' came home upset, I decided it was an appropriate reason to make a trip to Dairy Queen. Today I managed to keep my eating in check, but stayed in bed watching season one of Drop Dead Diva [a fantastically hilarious show, by the way] on Hulu instead of working out again.

The good news is that my fiance' and a friend finally got us a couch moved into our new house! So now I have a brand new piece of furniture to sit on while avoiding my workouts. Tomorrow I have another day off of work, so hopefully I'll be able to motivate myself to get off my butt and get moving!

The only proud moment I've had the past two days was earlier this evening. My maid of honor sent me a text asking if I wanted to join her for fast food, and my food-addicted self actually managed to decline her offer. I'm trying to use the very real excuse that my doctor nearly insisted I lose 20 pounds by my next visit in November, but even that doesn't always convince me to "step away from the cookies and get a grip."

In wedding news, I still haven't gotten off my butt and started on any of that either. My fiance' was thrilled to hear the new wedding movement, but he keeps asking when I'm going to write another. Today he did a little of his own research on our health insurance- Apparently the legislation going on dealing with Rheumatoid Arthritis may make it possible for companies to deny coverage to patients with RA [which would be me]. If the legislation goes the other way, companies would have to cover me, however, it would cost us a small fortune. Essentially, you can't get decent coverage if you have a disease, but you can't control your disease without coverage... Ah, the American health system.

I'm determined that I'm going to spend my day off tomorrow being productive. I am GOING to work out. I am GOING to finish working on this house. I am NOT going to be a lazy bum!!

Today I am awesome.

Apparently seeing my failure of a lifestyle in black and white got me off my butt! After blogging about how lame I am, I got up and spent a half hour with the bitch Pilates video lady. Then I unpacked the remainder of the boxes while chatting with my mother on the phone. After churning out two mass parts for the wedding [the two shortest that exist, but two nonetheless], I took a shower and was suddenly inspired to take a bubble bath. I, being a person who is either always busy or too lazy, can't remember the last time I took a bubble bath. So there I sat with a book and the bubbles and completely lost track of time. By the time I got out, it was almost time for my fiance' to get off work, so I sat down to read a few more chapters before he arrived.

All in all, I had a surge of productivity. Downside= as soon as Charlie got home I felt this incredible urge to eat everything in the kitchen... So it's still a major work in progress, but at least today I'm heading in the right direction.

Motivation...

I have NONE lately. I am currently procrastinating a pilates session in my living room. Though my doctor and I discussed less than a week ago that I need to drop a pound or so a week on average over the course of the next few months, I can't seem to make myself not eat every bad bit of food in sight, nor can I get up off my butt and work out. I'm feeling terribly crappy about my level of self-control and motivation.

On the wedding front- It's a mirrored situation. I have a to-do list longer than I don't know what, but I am slacking at crossing anything off of it. The biggest project that I've hardly begun is the music: Somewhere back in the beginning of this whole thing I decided I wanted to write all of the music for my wedding ceremony. I keep putting off working on the project though... I always say, "As soon as we finish.... [name whatever we're currently attempting to tackle]..." but something else keeps popping up!! Ideally, as soon as we're settled into this new house, which will hopefully be by next week, I'll be able to sit down and focus on composing instead of the mess surrounding me.

So now that I've been able to spend some time complaining about my lack of motivation, I'm going to stop complaining and go DO something about it. Hopefully.

And so it begins...

Not the wedding-ing, but the blogging. I've been engaged since December 2008, and the real heavy-duty wedding planning has been going on for a few months now. With just over 200 days until the big day, I'm feeling the crunch. The race to the altar has got me seriously stressed and I can't figure out why.

Since I was an early teen, my hobby has been weddings. I've always loved everything about them. I have a collection of bridal magazines that stacks higher than my 5'9" frame. So I assumed that when it came down to it, I'd have this whole wedding under complete control.

So this is my solution: Blog about it. For some reason I have decide that writing about it will make it easier. Keeping up with all of the wedding bits, including both the planning issues and the weight issues, may drive me crazy, but I refuse to do it alone.


My current weight is right at 173. That's 13 pounds heavier than I was just four months ago. Ultimately the goal is to take at least 20 pounds off by the December wedding. I had absolutely zero motivation until yesterday; a few friends and I have entered into a weight loss competition, and I'm determined to win. I'm also determined that cake tastes better than celery and always will.